The NON smoking me

It amazes me just how much NON smokers...including me, can get done.  I suppose for newbie non smokers it might be a bit more (because we are trying to keep busy ergo not think about smoking). 
Usually Saturdays are hard for me, thus far, but yesterday was my Saturday I guess.  I actually wept that I was not smoking.  I wanted to smoke so bad.  I sat in bed crying, to a really important person about how sad I was that cigarettes were not in my life anymore, how I was tired of being strong, how I wanted one so bad.  Yesterday was, based on past experiences, the perfect day for smoking...but I didn't have one.  I couldn't remember, despite writing it down, why I had quit, or why I wanted this path. 
Today was Saturday, my usual hard day.  It was easier than yesterday and previous Saturdays but still hard.  I've found that weekends have actually become something I don't look forward to.  Relaxing, wine drinking, reading, crafts, extra hours = smoking. 
Today, in an effort to curtail the urge I went for a beautiful hour and a half hike at South Valley Park in Ken Caryl, Littleton.  I then spent a good two hours at the Arapahoe Public Library.  I came home took a nap, and made two embroidered/crocheted dish towels for Christmas.  This weekend I watched the entire third season of Fringe (may have to watch again LOL), two movies (Fast Five and Horrible Bosses), did some extensive meditating, ate an entire meal by myself in a restaurant (well Panera....does that count?), and enjoyed myself.
I look forward to the weekend in which I don't think about smoking.  I look forward to the weekend I look forward to.  I look forward to the life without cigarettes.  It's been a hard three weeks.  I look at my bestie, and quit smoking partner Sara and envy her strength, she seems so strong, so unfazed by the little things and she inspires me.  She's amazing when it comes to these things.  I hope I can be half as strong as she.
Tomorrow is Sunday, usually a good day for me.  I have learned however that as an ex-smoker there are surprises, both good and bad, and that I must be prepared for them. 
I am strong.  I am a NON smoker.  I can do this. 

A week in review

It's been a challenging week.  Monday night at approximately 8:30 pm I smoked the last cigarette of my life.  Thanks to all the support I have received and my own willpower, I have been smoke free for almost 5 days!!!!  I honestly never thought it would happen.  I used to tell everyone that I would never quit smoking...I just loved it too much.  Now after having been 5 days without and roughly 96 cigarettes NOT smoked I can confidently say I AM A NON SMOKER.  It feels really quite amazing.  To be honest i feel pretty damn proud of myself.  I never thought I would be without cigarettes and to be honest I do miss them, sometimes more than others, such as right now but I can't believe I have been 5 days without and I plan to never smoke again!!!!  Yay me.  :*>

A new life

some of us are happy with where we are or what we have but some of us long for more.  on the horizon we find something great that can be ours yet we do not know how to find it or reach it.  is it within us or within another....perhaps it is both.  the music fills our souls but the fruition is mild in comparison.  are we dreaming of something beyond our grasp, not within our destiny or are we willing to go without until we find such a thing.  what is the answer...an aching fills us to an extent we have never know yet we continue on, with a hope of something far beyond ourselves.  we believe in something greater and full of hope and light.  it swells within us like the music of our souls.  We feel rejuvenated and alive.  What is this thing we feel that fills our hearts with music....it is love....love that is undefined, lifelong, and real.