Today was a good day. The first in many days. Let me explain. I have always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I knew what they were, shortness of breath, tightening of the chest, unreasonable fears. The first true panic attack came shortly after Columbine. One day I came out of work and couldn't start my car for fear there was a bomb on it and if I started it, it would blow up. Ridiculous I know but true. A horrible feeling griped me in a way I had never experienced before. I sought counseling and worked through this, discovering along the way that I suffered from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Not in the physical sense such as needing to wash my hands a certain number of times but mentally focusing on something, usually negative, causing myself to have anxiety. In the end I got better and continued on with my life.
In October a dear friend of mine suffered a sever heart attack that nearly killed her. T was a strong, healthy, non smoking, not overweight women who had a 100% blockage in her left ventricular and almost died. It hit me hard. If she could have a heart attack, surely I could and I began to obsess again. Sometime there after I was lying in bed one night with the lobster. My heart was racing, I could feel my pulse in my neck, heat spread from my chest up and I was certain something was wrong. I slowly begin to realize that I was having a panic attack but could not get myself to calm down. Lobster was asleep but must have sensed something and woke up. He calmed me down but it took nearly an hour before I was able to lay down again and try to sleep. It was a very rough night with many more to follow. As time went on I began to feel the my pulse in my neck all the time, I became winded easily and short of breath, and I was certain something was wrong. Again ridiculous I know but as I've come to learn the mind is a powerful thing.
About four weeks ago it reached the height of it's power. I was at work and felt a flutter in my chest, not a good flutter but something in my heart as in skipping beats and I got really scared, really fast. The following week I went to my doctor, he did blood work, an EEG and found nothing of concern. The cold hard fact was...it was in was in my head. I'm not proud to admit this, it's very humbling to say.
We talked about what might be going on. I've been going to my doctor for years and he knows my history. He knows my mom died almost six years ago, he knows that three years ago I suffered tremendously when I found out my second husband was having an affair and we were getting divorced, and he knows I've never dealt with any of it. We talked about my symptoms and he believed that I was suffering from sever panic disorder and that medication was needed. He also knows that I am not a fan, but at that point I was willing to do anything.
I began taking the medication and was told that it would take some time. Over the last two weeks it's been hard, most days I felt so focused on my heart and it's rapid beat that I couldn't do much of anything but sit. I was depressed and I knew it. I began doing research and reading anything I could. I remembered reading about meditation and the impact it could have. At night was the worse because all I had was my mind and it did nothing but focus on my heartbeat, so I started meditating and found that it helped. Of course it's hard to meditate when sitting at your desk and you have work to do but I learned to breath slowly through it.
Monday of this last week was the first day in a very long time that I went an entire day without having any episodes as I've started calling them. The rest of the week wasn't as great but better than it has been previously. Today was something wonderful. I realized halfway through my son's soccer game that I hadn't once thought about my heart, or panic, or anxiety. Further, later in the day I thought "I feel happy", something I haven't thought in a very long time. In the past few months even when I've been in a moment that should fill me with joy, such as a mini vacation with my favorite person, all I thought about was this other issue which now consumed my life and overshadowed everything that was important. I think today about that moment and how sad I am that I didn't fully enjoy the moment because of all of this. I plan to do this again and it will be when I'm healthy of mind so that I can enjoy the most important person in my life and the quiet time we can have together.
Yesterday I had a sort of an ephiphany and perhaps this is the reason for a good day. I thought to myself, "At the rate you are going Lydia you might as well be dead, because you certainly aren't living. You are so worried and consumed about something you have no control over." It hopefully started to turn things around for me. Each night I lie in bed, think about the things that I am thankful for, meditate, and wait for the next day and hope that it will be a good day.
I feel very blessed at this moment. There are points in my life that I feel need some attention, that I want to change, that I'm not happy with but there are some beautiful pieces to my life as well. I have the most amazing and beautiful son who lights my life and brings me a sense of peace I've never felt with another person. I have some amazing friends who show me their depth and their beauty, who have been there for me through the years and the rough times, who knows me better than almost anyone , friends who make me laugh and smile each day and I love them for it. I have a job that I enjoy and am so thankful for each and everyday. I have a sense of purpose and direction in my studies and am inspired by it.
So the point of this long story is that a few weeks ago I started a 29 day gift challenge which has fallen a bit by the waste side. I've been so self-absorbed in my own misery that I couldn't see past getting through a day, led alone giving to someone else. My hope is that I can start to turn things around mentally, with a little help, and start over. I experienced some amazing moments through the giving and want to continue it. I want to conscoiusly give to someone and feel the power of that exchange with another human.
I've been given an abundance and want to give back to the universe this abundance. It's been a rough go but tomorrow is a new day and with a new day brings something unfound as of yet. I look forward to giving again and starting over...
My Happy Place
