My Sweet, Sweet Love

I'm not sure what is happening, but I can't sit and read any more...I try but alas I'm always doing something that keeps me busy.  I wonder if perhaps it is because I quit smoking.  Since I quit I find it really, really hard to sit for more than five minutes, led alone with nothing else to do but read a book.  I'm frightened...reading and books have always been my love, they still are, and nothing brings me more peace than the sight of a book or someone curled up with a book but alas I'm finding it hard for me to be that person.  I feel lost not being a reader and I'm scared I won't find my way back.  I used to sit for hours upon hours upon hours reading....getting so involved with the characters and the plot, but now I feel it's so hard to even pick the book up.  I'm truly hoping this is merely a phase and that soon...very, very soon I will find my way back to my sweet, sweet love.

Crayon Art

About a month ago a girlfriend of mine introduced me to Pinterest.com...Oh lordy.  I'm addicted is an understatement but it's a good thing because I've come across some really great ideas and have created a seperate journal just for those items (more on journaling in a future post...stay tuned).  I will I'm sure in the coming days, weeks, and months be doing A LOT of blogging about my new Pinterest activities. 

So one of the ideas that I came across was crayon art. When I first saw it I thought "Wow, that is really cool, I might try that sometime" and then I realized it would make a really great Christmas gift for someone.

I purchased a pack of two canvases at Walwart for around $6.00, crayons (I had to use 1 1/2 packs of 24 crayons) $1.44, Tacky glue $2.00 and the blow dryer at home....

I also purchased a book of quotes ($5.99 at Hobby Lobby) to add a little something to the piece of art...

I layed out the crayons the way that I wanted them, in this case I used the primary color index but the possibilites are endless.

I also put on the sticker quote that I liked the best.  After all the crayons were glued I let it sit for about 45 minutes to ensure they were on there securely.  I've seen some versions with the wrapper off but I felt that the wrapper made it more playful.

Once I was sure the crayons were set I began the melting process.  Now let me just say at this point, I was having doubts.  Doubts that it work, doubts that if it worked that it would look good, but they were quickly put to rest.  The great thing about this is that it really doesn't matter what the end result is.  I tried varied heat settings, if I felt like it was melting too quickly or moving down the canvas I either put the hair dyrer on a cool setting or changed the angle of the canvas, also tilting it different ways to have the crayon colors blend and what do you know....it worked!!!!

Tada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cheap instant artwork.

I saw one version of this in which someone had used only browns and greens and then after it had dried they put stickable flowers at the top.  In yet another version somonee used pieces of crayon instead of the whole thing.  I also think that a larger canvas would have looked even cooler as the crayons would have really melted, not only at the top but all the way down.  The possiblities are endless and you can make this a really personal gift for someone: use their favorite color in the shape of their inital for a birthday present use only reds and pinks in the shape of a heart for Valentine's Day.  A word of advice.  In this particular case they are lined up so the direction in which you held it really didn't matter, however if you are doing something as mention directly above, rotating the canvas would be recommended or it will run onto itself....then again maybe that would look really cool.  I'm sure I will be trying many of these versions in the coming weeks.  I'll share when I do.  =)





Ahhh...the library

There are certain places that we can go that become a sort of heaven or haven for us.  Perhaps it is a church, a coffee shop, a bubble bath.  It is a place that we feel most at peace, most ourselves, and the most happy.  We can spend hours in this place and feel like everything is right in the world.  For me, that place is the library.  When I go there, I don't worry about my love life, my grades, my job, my finances, my living situation.  All I think about is the wonderful books I can explore and find.  Anything I would ever want to learn about can be found within a book here.  Not only am I surrounded by one of the things I love the most, but it is peaceful and calm.  I have come to escape, to be happy.

31 Days of Thankful

During November many of my friends posted on Facebook, daily things that they were thankful for.  I unfortunately didn't see this until too late into the month to join them.  However, that doesn't mean that I can't do it in December, or any other month for that matter.  So starting today on Facebook I will post daily something that I'm thankful for.  Benefit of doing it in December...I get an extra day.  =)

Lots of Love and Thankfulness,
Lydia

The NON smoking me

It amazes me just how much NON smokers...including me, can get done.  I suppose for newbie non smokers it might be a bit more (because we are trying to keep busy ergo not think about smoking). 
Usually Saturdays are hard for me, thus far, but yesterday was my Saturday I guess.  I actually wept that I was not smoking.  I wanted to smoke so bad.  I sat in bed crying, to a really important person about how sad I was that cigarettes were not in my life anymore, how I was tired of being strong, how I wanted one so bad.  Yesterday was, based on past experiences, the perfect day for smoking...but I didn't have one.  I couldn't remember, despite writing it down, why I had quit, or why I wanted this path. 
Today was Saturday, my usual hard day.  It was easier than yesterday and previous Saturdays but still hard.  I've found that weekends have actually become something I don't look forward to.  Relaxing, wine drinking, reading, crafts, extra hours = smoking. 
Today, in an effort to curtail the urge I went for a beautiful hour and a half hike at South Valley Park in Ken Caryl, Littleton.  I then spent a good two hours at the Arapahoe Public Library.  I came home took a nap, and made two embroidered/crocheted dish towels for Christmas.  This weekend I watched the entire third season of Fringe (may have to watch again LOL), two movies (Fast Five and Horrible Bosses), did some extensive meditating, ate an entire meal by myself in a restaurant (well Panera....does that count?), and enjoyed myself.
I look forward to the weekend in which I don't think about smoking.  I look forward to the weekend I look forward to.  I look forward to the life without cigarettes.  It's been a hard three weeks.  I look at my bestie, and quit smoking partner Sara and envy her strength, she seems so strong, so unfazed by the little things and she inspires me.  She's amazing when it comes to these things.  I hope I can be half as strong as she.
Tomorrow is Sunday, usually a good day for me.  I have learned however that as an ex-smoker there are surprises, both good and bad, and that I must be prepared for them. 
I am strong.  I am a NON smoker.  I can do this. 

2012 Sketchbook Project

Today I received in the mail my sketchbook for the

Art House Co-Op 2012 Sketchbook Project. 

I'm very excited to get started on this project.  My theme is Tears and

Fears...at the time I signed up these were two things that were very

dominate in my life.  Perhaps in many ways these still are and through this I

can reconcile some of those tears and fears.

I'm looking forward to exploring what these can turn out to be in my

sketchbook which allows for any type of medium. 

If you are interested in learning more about the 2012 Sketchbook Project by

the Art House Co-Op check out their website at

http://www.arthousecoop.com/projects/sketchbookproject2012

2011 Associate Banquet

Last night I celebrated 15 years with Centura.  Something I'm very proud of.  I had a wonderful time with great company and was surrounded by people who I love.  Plus we got to do a tour of the Sports Authority Field and that was very cool.

During the tour of the stadium we got to see the inside of the guest locker room

Never thought I would be standing on a professional football field, or that I would think it was so cool!  :)



At the end of the night it was really great to see my dear friend Toby Raleigh being recognized for 20 years of service!  :)

A week in review

It's been a challenging week.  Monday night at approximately 8:30 pm I smoked the last cigarette of my life.  Thanks to all the support I have received and my own willpower, I have been smoke free for almost 5 days!!!!  I honestly never thought it would happen.  I used to tell everyone that I would never quit smoking...I just loved it too much.  Now after having been 5 days without and roughly 96 cigarettes NOT smoked I can confidently say I AM A NON SMOKER.  It feels really quite amazing.  To be honest i feel pretty damn proud of myself.  I never thought I would be without cigarettes and to be honest I do miss them, sometimes more than others, such as right now but I can't believe I have been 5 days without and I plan to never smoke again!!!!  Yay me.  :*>

A new life

some of us are happy with where we are or what we have but some of us long for more.  on the horizon we find something great that can be ours yet we do not know how to find it or reach it.  is it within us or within another....perhaps it is both.  the music fills our souls but the fruition is mild in comparison.  are we dreaming of something beyond our grasp, not within our destiny or are we willing to go without until we find such a thing.  what is the answer...an aching fills us to an extent we have never know yet we continue on, with a hope of something far beyond ourselves.  we believe in something greater and full of hope and light.  it swells within us like the music of our souls.  We feel rejuvenated and alive.  What is this thing we feel that fills our hearts with music....it is love....love that is undefined, lifelong, and real.

Letting go

There comes a time in our lives in which we must let go...of people, of things that we hold dear and true but they are unhealthy for us.  They bring us sorrow and pain.  They perhaps do not mean to but they do and we know that the only way we can truly realize who we are or our potential is to move on from them...and yet we do not.
We hold a belief that they will change, that we can help them, but ultimately only they can change and if they do not want to there is nothing we can do.  So even knowing this we still stay.  Why?  What purpose does it serve?  Is there a lesson to be learned in this design?  Is the design for us to help THEM?  To give them strength and courage?  To see more?  Is there a design for us as well?  To perhaps be certain of what we want and need and to give us courage to ask for it?
I am not an expert in these matters for I struggle nearly every day with them.  I seek only to understand the momentum of the human soul and my purpose in it.  I am unfulfilled and unsatisfied that this is all there is and all that I deserve...and yet I do not know how to ask for what will fulfill or satisfy me, lead alone what I deserve. 

The first step...

It's been a while, and a lot has gone on since last I came here to share my thoughts.  Thoughts that I don't know if anyone reads or read, but it's my journal of sorts. 

I returned to school, which took up so much of my time, not leaving me with much time for anything else. I've struggled since last October with a very real demon.  I'm determined to knock this demon into the seventh circle.  I have a plan, which I hope will prove successful.  I have hope and I have faith in myself that it will.  Each day is a struggle.  I fight with this demon right now as we speak.  I won't tell you what my demon is just yet, that will come in time, but I look forward to the day I can say that I have put that demon away.

I've continued to strengthen some friendships with some amazing woman that leave me in awe of their beauty both inside and out, their strength, their determination, their devotion, and their courage.  These girls are the most extraordinary women I have come to know and I love them dearly.  I am so thankful they came into my life.

I've come, finally, I believe, at least in part, to love myself for who I am, especially the package in which I carry myself.  I'm not a size 2, but that matters not for there is more to me than just my jean size.  I've found a passion and love for myself that took me 35 years to find.

I stopped going to traditional college, knowing that this is not my passion.  Learning is my passion and as Will pointed out, that can easily be obtained in my local library.  I do believe however that my true passion lies in helping others find their place, their passion, their path.  In October I will start my training as a life coach with the WCI and aside from my son and my love of books I have never been more excited about something.

If you are reading, I hope you stay and see how things progress.  I have a feeling that in the months to come some big changes are coming.  Some that will be painful, some that will inspire, some that will challenge me for the good.  The new year will be telling for I have an idea of what will be and despite the hardships that it will bring, I welcome the change and the possibilities.

Starting Over

Today was a good day.  The first in many days.  Let me explain.  I have always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks.  I knew what they were, shortness of breath, tightening of the chest, unreasonable fears.  The first true panic attack came shortly after Columbine.  One day I came out of work and couldn't start my car for fear there was a bomb on it and if I started it, it would blow up.  Ridiculous I know but true.  A horrible feeling griped me in a way I had never experienced before.  I sought counseling and worked through this, discovering along the way that I suffered from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  Not in the physical sense such as needing to wash my hands a certain number of times but mentally focusing on something, usually negative, causing myself to have anxiety.  In the end I got better and continued on with my life.

In October a dear friend of mine suffered a sever heart attack that nearly killed her.  T was a strong, healthy, non smoking, not overweight women who had a 100% blockage in her left ventricular and almost died.  It hit me hard.  If she could have a heart attack, surely I could and I began to obsess again.  Sometime there after I was lying in bed one night with the lobster.  My heart was racing, I could feel my pulse in my neck, heat spread from my chest up and I was certain something was wrong.  I slowly begin to realize that I was having a panic attack but could not get myself to calm down.  Lobster was asleep but must have sensed something and woke up.  He calmed me down but it took nearly an hour before I was able to lay down again and try to sleep.  It was a very rough night with many more to follow.  As time went on I began to feel the my pulse in my neck all the time, I became winded easily and short of breath, and I was certain something was wrong.  Again ridiculous I know but as I've come to learn the mind is a powerful thing. 

About four weeks ago it reached the height of it's power.  I was at work and felt a flutter in my chest, not a good flutter but something in my heart as in skipping beats and I got really scared, really fast.  The following week I went to my doctor, he did blood work, an  EEG and found nothing of concern.  The cold hard fact was...it was in was in my head.  I'm not proud to admit this, it's very humbling to say. 

We talked about what might be going on.  I've been going to my doctor for years and he knows my history.  He knows my mom died almost six years ago, he knows that three years ago I suffered tremendously when I found out my second husband was having an affair and we were getting divorced, and he knows I've never dealt with any of it.  We talked about my symptoms and he believed that I was suffering from sever panic disorder and that medication was needed.  He also knows that I am not a fan, but at that point I was willing to do anything. 

I began taking the medication and was told that it would take some time.  Over the last two weeks it's been hard, most days I felt so focused on my heart and it's rapid beat that I couldn't do much of anything but sit.  I was depressed and I knew it.  I began doing research and reading anything I could.  I remembered reading about meditation and the impact it could have.  At night was the worse because all I had was my mind and it did nothing but focus on my heartbeat, so I started meditating and found that it helped.  Of course it's hard to meditate when sitting at your desk and you have work to do but I learned to breath slowly through it. 

Monday of this last week was the first day in a very long time that I went an entire day without having any episodes as I've started calling them.  The rest of the week wasn't as great but better than it has been previously.  Today was something wonderful.  I realized halfway through my son's soccer game that I hadn't once thought about my heart, or panic, or anxiety.  Further, later in the day I thought "I feel happy", something I haven't thought in a very long time.  In the past few months even when I've been in a moment that should fill me with joy, such as a mini vacation with my favorite person, all I thought about was this other issue which now consumed my life and overshadowed everything that was important.  I think today about that moment and how sad I am that I didn't fully enjoy the moment because of all of this.  I plan to do this again and it will be when I'm healthy of mind so that I can enjoy the most important person in my life and the quiet time we can have together. 

Yesterday I had a sort of an ephiphany and perhaps this is the reason for a good day.  I thought to myself, "At the rate you are going Lydia you might as well be dead, because you certainly aren't living.  You are so worried and consumed about something you have no control over."  It hopefully started to turn things around for me.  Each night I lie in bed, think about the things that I am thankful for, meditate, and wait for the next day and hope that it will be a good day.

I feel very blessed at this moment.  There are points in my life that I feel need some attention, that I want to change, that I'm not happy with but there are some beautiful pieces to my life as well.  I have the most amazing and beautiful son who lights my life and brings me a sense of peace I've never felt with another person.  I have some amazing friends who show me their depth and their beauty, who have been there for me through the years and the rough times, who knows me better than almost anyone , friends who make me laugh and smile each day and I love them for it.  I have a job that I enjoy and am so thankful for each and everyday.  I have a sense of purpose and direction in my studies and am inspired by it. 

So the point of this long story is that a few weeks ago I started a 29 day gift challenge which has fallen a bit by the waste side.  I've been so self-absorbed in my own misery that I couldn't see past getting through a day, led alone giving to someone else.  My hope is that I can start to turn things around mentally, with a little help, and start over.  I experienced some amazing moments through the giving and want to continue it.  I want to conscoiusly give to someone and feel the power of that exchange with another human.

I've been given an abundance and want to give back to the universe this abundance.  It's been a rough go but tomorrow is a new day and with a new day brings something unfound as of yet.  I look forward to giving again and starting over...

Gift 6 - March 23, 2011

Again today didn't really feel out of the norm for me in regards to giving.  Perhaps I need to put it out there more clearly to the universe my deep desire to give.  Maybe I'm not being open enough to opportunities.  I love doing things for my friends, but today's gift is something I would have mindfully done anyway, even if I wasn't doing this challenge. 

To be honest I want to give outside my comfort zone.  Money to a homeless person.  Something I've not done before.  Perhaps I can talk Lobster into going dowtown tomorrow night so that I can seek out this gift and truly give consciously. 

I think for me part of this challenge is to not only be mindful of the giving that I do but to also do it in a way that is new for me, in a way that lets me stretch my legs...and my mind...and my heart.  Giving of any kind is always wonderful and it does bring joy, but to do it in a way that perhaps you normally wouldn't is, in my mind, even better, for it affords us more opportunity to grow.
_______________________________________________________

This morning my friend M mentioned that she wanted to go out for lunch today.  When she brought it up, I knew this would be my gift for the day.  Buying her lunch is a small price to pay for the wonderful friendship she gives to me each day.  We share some much of our lives with each other, and I tell that woman almost everything.  She is an amazing mother, and a very hard worker.  She inspires me just being around her.  Not to mention her amazing sense of humor. 

Today I give with love, gratitude, and joy!

Gift 4 - March 21, 2011

I've know Ms. L for a long time.  If ever I've met someone who has had a crap hand dealt to them it would be her and yet she remains amazing!  The woman has the best quick whitted humor of anyone I know.  I wish she could see what a beautiful woman she is.  The funny, amazing, keep going person I see.  I love her to death.  Friday I knew what today's gift would be.  I left the house early so that I could stop and get her a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  Because man does that woman deserve some flowers.
A bonus, all her co-workers continued to ask her who they were from. . . she didn't le on.  Love it.
I hope that giving her those flowers put a smile on her face and warmed her heart.  I hope it let her know just how great I think she is.

Today I give with love.

Day 1 - March 18, 2011

Today was my last day at my current job.  Not a big deal, I'm staying with the same company, in the same department, but stepping down.  About 6-8 months ago, I started feeling like I needed to make a change, be doing something that was less stressful, so that I could focus on school and of course my son.  I thought about it a lot, for months actually.  Finally a few weeks ago, I took the leap.  I'm very excited about this new chapter in my life and honestly excited about having less stress. 

As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I was thinking about my boss.  She has been instrumental in my growth in my character and knowledge.  She has been a mentor to me from the moment I came into her department.  We've had our rough days, but I think she is amazing in many ways, and I wanted to thank her for all of it.  So I thought "I'm going to write Mrs. J. a letter telling her how much I appreciate her and all she has done for me.  This will be my gift for today."

I'm a big fan of writing letters to people.  It's the easiest way for me to express myself.  It felt so good to tell her all those things I wanted to say, to let her know just how great I think she is.

29 Gifts...

About a week ago, I started reading a book called 29 Gifts, How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life.  Cami Walker is diagnosed with MS and her spiritual advisor gives her an unusual prescription. 

“Give away 29 gifts in 29 days.  Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but through our interactions with other people.  By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life.  Giving of any kind is taking positive action that begins the process of change.  It will shift your energy for life” ~ Mbali Creazzo

So the idea is that each day you MINDFULLY give a gift someone.  The purpose here is intent.  Here are some instructions.

1. Begin each day with an affirmation statement such as:
1. Today I give with love
2. Today I give with gratitude
3. Today I give with patience.

2. Your gifts can be anything offered to anyone.  Anything you mindfully (consciously) offer to another person counts.

3. You can give the gifts quietly or make them know.

Watch out for gives that are coming from the following places within yourself because you will likely feel drained when giving from this space:

1. The Bartering Give:  If I give, I am good and I will be rewarded.
2. The Obligated Give:  I have to give because it’s expected of me.
3. The Guilty Give:  If I don’t give I will have bad karma
4. The Begrudging Give:  He’s got new shoes on, he can’t need money that badly.
5. The Resentful Give:  I suppose I better give because it’s Day 15, even though I just spend $300 on new brakes for my car.

I think you get the idea.  You see someone has a need and you try to help fill it.  You can also plan gifts if you wish, such as “Next Friday I’m going to take my son to see that movie he wants to, that will be my gift for today.”  These gifts need not be extravagant, it can be a hug, a few words, lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in a long time.  Just be mindful of the gift, give with the intention of giving, quickly or out loud.

If you’re interesting in learning more you can visit the website at http://www.29gifts.org/.

There are great gifting ideas, forums, a blog, and the story of 29 gifts.  It’s a powerful idea, one that I intend to fully embrace.  Each day I will blog about the day’s gift.  I hope that you will look into it, join me in gifting, as well as read my stories, and share your own. 

Today I give with love, gratitude, patience, abundance, and joy.  I am open to receiving awareness of opportunities of giving and I am open to receiving gifts as well. 

Listening

What does it mean to you when someone isn't listening to you? 

By this I mean, you are telling them about something that is important to you, something you are excited about, something that has happened and when you are done telling them, you feel like they really were not engaged in the conversation, nor did they really care about this "thing" you were talking about.

Sometimes this can be hurtful, sometimes it makes us angry.  Sometimes it's just down right rude.  Especially when it is repeatedly happening. 

So what should we do about it?  Do you bring it to the other person's attention?  I think it's only fair to do so, because in reality perhaps the other person doesn't know they are doing it.  And if after you bring it to their attention, it continues. . . then what?  Well, maybe it's time to take a look, further, deeper into why this might be happening.  Perhaps it is because this is an indicator of the other persons view of you, a marker of importance you have to them.  Also though, it might be an indicator of YOU.  I'm notoriously bad about letting people walk all over me, quite honestly I let them damn near get away with murder.  So when this happens, is this the other guy or is it maybe me not being assertive, demanding to be treated as I feel I should. 

We all want to be listened to.  Really heard.  To share our hopes our dreams, our failures, our hurts and sorrows, our joy and excitement.  If we are sharing and feeling like we aren't heard, perhaps it's time to step back from the situation, do some evaluating. . . of both the other person and ourselves.

Kiss My Heart

Heart of the Ocean

Close To My Heart

Rut

Today when I asked someone how they were doing they said "oh you know just hanging curtains in my rut...


This got me to thinking about my rut.  Why I'm in a rut, why I'm hanging curtains in my rut, because quite frankly I'm not only hanging curtains, but installing new carpet, hardwood floors, and bathroom fixtures (I apparently plan to be here for a while), and how do I "move out" of my rut. 


I find so often that something inspires me and sends a spark to my mind which fonders me into creating a fanstatical idea for jewelry, for a business, for an activity or adventure...and then well, nothing really happens.  Rather, I guess I should say I never do anything with it.  Why do we get in ruts?  Are they comfortable?  Are we afraid we will fail?  I think it's all of that but also, quite simply, some of us are just lazy boobs!  Boobs are great, don't get me wrong, really they are quite lovely, unless you are being one and your just laying there!


I really don't want to lie here anymore, maybe I need a boob job but I sure would like to purk up, get going, and do some things.  I'd like to start that jewelry website.  I'd like to really truly do that parkour, not just say I will.  I want to take that overnight trip to a famous hotel in Colorado and stay in one of the famous "haunted" rooms.  I want to stop hanging curtain, stop being a professional interior decorator, and put up the for sale sign!

A Letter

Dear 2011,

First, let me say thank you for coming.  We have a long road ahead of us together, you and I.  We are going to step back from some things knowing that it’s not forever but just for right now.  School is important, it always has been but we both know that despite our heart’s desire, now is not a good time.  Focusing on Joshua is primary.  We will come back to it, when the time is right. 

We are going to fully immerse ourselves in some really fun things such as:

1.      Parkour

2.      Learning Italian fluently and

3.      Indoor rock climbing

We are also going to work our butts off at getting those nasty and pesky 30 pounds we don’t like, to take a hike.

We are going to do at least one thing a month on that very interesting bucket list.

And finally, we are going to love ourselves, put ourselves first more, be more compassionate to others, work very hard to heal past hurts, get our asses in shape, and experiment with some yoga and Buddhism.

I’m sure 2011, that the road won’t always be easy or pleasant but you and I are going to grow and experience all that we can!  We are going to make this be a wonderful year full of hope, happiness, and adventure.

I hope you are as exciting as I am 2011, to seek the future and move forward in many, many new directions.  I thank you again for coming to see me.  I’m grateful for your presence each day and I am excited about all the things you and I have planned together.

Much love,

Lydia

Reverb10: Let go

Let go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?

We all know people come and go in our lives.  Sometimes by choice, sometimes not.  In 2010, a previous friend returned to my life and the friendship returned.  Over the course of a few months we got close.  I enjoyed the friendship immensely.  As time passed it became difficult for me to maintain the friendship, at least to the level the other person wanted me to.  In the end it came down to the relationship being very taxing for me.  I had many things going on in my life, as we all do, and I was not able to spend al my time with her.  There were some other things going on for me.  We should love and give without expecting anything in return, but let’s face it, aside from the Dalai Lama, who can actually do that?  I for one cannot.  And so I felt I was doing a lot of giving without getting much in return.  It was extremely hard for me to do, but I asked for space.  Not to end the friendship but just for some time and understanding to have time and space.  In all fairness to the other person I can empathize with her frustration and hurt.  Hurting her and ending the friendship was the last thing I wanted to do, but ultimately it did end. 

This is entirely my view point and no doubt I did my fair share of things that contributed to the demise of the friendship.  If I’m being honest though, since I’ve let go, I feel more peace, less stress, which tells me it was the right decision.

None of us are perfect, myself included, but in 2010 I learned that sometimes as much as it hurts ourselves and those involved, sometimes we have to be okay with saying “I need this or I need that”.  It’s okay to ask for something, and if the person you are asking doesn’t feel they can give you that then that is okay too.  And I learned that as hard as it can be it is okay, sometimes even necessary to let go.