The "B" List

Most of us have one....that list, of all the things we want to do, big and small in life.  "The Bucket List".  We create them to inspire ourselves to do more, be more, find things that make us happy.  These list push us to experience things that maybe we wouldn't.

So I've been working on mine.  It's clique I know, but I'm at a place in life in which I'm not sure what makes me happy anymore, which doing what makes us happy is really the meaning of life, which ultimately is the question that plaques my mind, everyday.

Originally I started it for things to do the rest of the year.  Planning on keeping it around 10 items...it's now grown to over 50. 

Do you have a bucket list?  What's on it.  Please share...if you wish.  I'd love to hear what is on it.

Thanks for reading.
Lydia

She Said Yes

Gosh....last night was a great night.  After 3 1/2 years the love of my life asked me to marry him (kind of lol).  A ring was found in my seat.  Good enough for me since I'm not all about that big deals.  As many of you know Glenn and I have had our fair share of hard times.  We've gone through a few vacations from each other.  Yours truly tried other things while on those vacations (big mistake), and have come back together, better and stronger than before.

A Little History....
Glenn and I met....of all places on Plenty of Fish.  A free dating website.  Yep that's right.  The first emails were exchanged on Friday, we met for coffee and by Monday of the following week we had both deleted our profiles on Plenty of Fish.  We both just knew.  I'll never forget that first day we met, for coffee, at a Starbucks.  I'd given him the location of the wrong one and we laugh about it now.  Nevertheless, he eventually arrived, in uniform, and I was done for.  Man did he look good.  We ended up closing the Starbucks because we sat there so long, talking.

Along The Way.....
We had our good times and bad.  We've had our rough patches.  We've gone through a few vacations as we now affectionaletly call them.  During that time I found a distraction, which was just that.  A distraction from what I was feeling, the loss I felt of feeling things might not working out with the person I felt so comfortable with, but not once did it ever feel right with that distraction, and I always knew it came back to my Lobster.  Plus he wouldn't go away.  :)  No one could compare or compete with the guy who knew me better than anyone, who had helped me through more panic attacks than I could count, and who ultimately had my heart, who ultimately felt like home.  He always did.  Even if I didn't want to admit it at the time.

Looking Toward The Future.....
So after a few vacations, we came back together, stronger than ever. I feel like each of us is committed more than ever before to this relationship, and to giving it our all.  I know now that I can't ever love another as I love the Lobster, and he is just that, my Lobster, my Penguin, and I place a stone before his feet.  Last night he placed a ring in my seat (maybe this was the stone), bless his amazing heart, he just couldn't wait, and I said yes. When or where it will happen, I don't know, and to be honest, for me it doesn't matter.  I know I love this man, and ring or no ring, wedding or no wedding, I will spend my life loving him and only him.

Here is to happy ever after. . . .

Somethings and Nothings

Why is it so hard to let things go sometimes?  Even more so, why is it we perpetually turn something that was nothing into something.  We glorify it, make it seem like it was so much better than it was.  It's frustrating when you're in the middle of it.  You think about the something, know that it was something, but can't remember what the things were that made it nothing and the things that were missing that made it nothing.  Furthermore, I look back on things and think "Really Lydia, what were you thinking?!"  Don't get me wrong there is nothing in my life thus far that I regret because I truly believe that everything comes into our lives and happens for a reason, but sometimes my logic escapes me.  One particular instance stands out in my mind as of late in which I am experiencing all these feelings.  I knew it was wrong, that it wasn't a good choice, that it didn't fit me, who I was, or what I wanted, or my needs but I went there anyway.  And then when it was part of my past I thought "That wasn't so bad, it was really great actually", when in fact it really wasn't.  It was actually really bad, on so many levels and ways I can't even express.  There is a line from a song that stands out for me.

"I can't think of what I learned right now, but I'll be thanking you some day"

I'm not sure what this was suppose to teach me, what I was suppose to learn but well I'm sure someday I'll know and it will all be clear....until then I'll have to live with the somethings and the nothings knowing that I'm better off and will be a better person once I understand the some of those somethings and all of the nothings.

Thanks for reading...
Lydia

More music.................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP79jDNAAK0..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCkfTCjF8SM&ob=av2e
I've always liked Mat Kearney but this song is wonderful...................

We're just fumbling through the grey
Trying find a heart that's not walking away" ~ Mat Kearney Ships In The Night

Motivation...where for art thou!?

Okay seriously...I'm getting concerned.  I have no motivation....to do anything.  I used to be one of those people who could get a lot done in a short amount of time.  Now I'm that person that can barely get anything done in a lot of time!  I'm having a hard time.  I don't know if is all that has gone on in my life within the last six months, the environment I'm in, or if I'm just becoming that lazy person I feared I could be.  I know we all have our days when we don't want to do anything, but I've now strung days into weeks and weeks into months.  I read Facebook posts of friends who are doing, getting things done and I'm envious....but then I sit and don't do anything.  I don't want to do homework, or laundry, or workout, or do crafts.  I mostly want to sit and watch TV...well TV shows on DVD.

I'm not really sure where the girl who was always so busy is but I wish she would return.  And what reallly scares me is not that she left but that I don't know HOW to get her back.  Why am I so unmotivated to do the things that once brought me pleasure.  Now the only pleasure I get is rotting out my brain.

My brother just gave me a sheet of really great quotes, how fitting since I'm writint this.  A couple that really struck me where.

"You are what you repeatedly doo.  Excellence is not an event - it is a habit"  ~ Aristotle

I repeatedly do nothing but watch TV, so how do I get back my habits I once had, so that I can be excellent once again?  Maybe I don't need to get back the old ones but find new ones.  I just wish I knew how.  I look at my to do list every day and feel daunted by it.  Perhaps it's time to return to meditation....prayer.  Maybe I need to hand this over to someone else and be guided that way.  Maybe I need to read "Seven Habits again. 

"Obstacles don't have to stop you.  If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.  Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work arount it" ~ Michael Jackson

Music

I'm always amazed at how music can resonate a time in our lives, an event, a person.  Sometimes it's just the sound that mirrors what we feel or sometimes it's the lyrics that mean everything.  I've always loved music and how it can do this.  It can even change our mood.  It's powerful.  There are also times that we just love a song.  I just got the Florence + the Machine Lungs album and I LOVE it.  Love the singers voice, the sounds of the music, and the lyrics are exquisite.  I've never been good at expressing my feelings in a conversation with someone as Glenn can attest to but songs can say everything that you feel in the best possible way.  A couple songs that I am also loving right now for many reasons is Gotye: Somebody That I Used to Know, Florence + the Machine: No Light, No Light, and Imagine Dragons: It's Time (this one I love not so much for the lyrics, but the sound.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGH-4jQZRcc&ob=av2e


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sENM2wA_FTg&ob=av2e


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU


I love when I find new music.  It can be like finding treasure.  One other wonderful thing about music, is it can bring people together.  Right now my son is at that age were he wants nothing to do with me and thinks that I'm about the most un-cool person on the planet....until we listen to music.  I love when he gets in the car and tells me he wants me to hear a song, plays it for me, and then anxiously awaits for me to say I like it.  Music is an avenue that we can still connect on.

"All good music resembles something. Good music stirs by its mysterious resemblance to the objects and feelings which motivated it. "

Jean Cocteau

Journaling

A few weeks ago a friend of mine at work gave me some books that related to creative writing and journaling.....I didn't know what a wonderful suprise awaited me when I got home.  As I began to pull the books out from the bags I felt like a kid in a candy store. Books that gave prompts, books about different styles, books about truely artful journaling...Oh my....

 There were so many books and journals that were so much of an interest to me...it was wonderful.  That night I stayed up very late, exploring all the amazing books that lay before me.  There was not enough time to look at them all but it was all I wanted to do.







Ultimately this is what I ended up with....a bed full of books....and a night full of pure bliss!

I hope my friend knows just how much all this means to me and how privilaged I feel to have such wonderful books now in my home.  How greatful I am that he wanted to share these with me.  It touched my heart in a way that often life is without.  I will treasure each one of them.  I look forward to exploring each of them for inspiration and ideas.  They have made a permiment home with me.

Thank you

Lydia

The Confusion of it All

So I have embarked upon the eating healthier and man alive is this stuff confusing.  Don't eat this, eat that, no wait don't eat that, eat this.  I'm slowly learning that it comes down to fruit (though not too much because of the sugar) and veggies and meat.  Wow...that's a lot of choices.  I know this is not really true, there are more options and I have to take the time to find them, but at this very moment it sure is what it feels like.

A while back I found this really great website about this girl who lost a lot of weight eating healthier.  http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/.  She has some really great ideas and she is very inspiring.  The only thing she does that I don't like is she uses jello powder as a sugar replacement.  I'm not a fan of jello because of what it contains.  "Jello has gelatin which is a protein in the animal connective tissues. The gelatin, itself, comes from a non-kosher source such as the pig."  (http://top-10-list.org/2011/10/23/top-10-non-kosher-food/.)  Instead I think a better alternative is Truvia which is a sugar replacement that is made from stevia, which comes from a leaf.  The nice thing about Truvia is that it is not overly sweet like sugar replacements can be.

I've been trying many new things.  Some work out.  Some don't.  The other night I made egg muffins which had egg whites, turkey bacon, green pepper, mushroom, and fat free cheese.  They came out really yummy.  Today for lunch I took a red pepper, spread fat free cream cheese on it and topped it with ham.  This did not taste yummy.

It's been a learning process and I have a long way to go but with each success I feel more sure that I can tackle this eating healthy business some day down the road.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Thanks for reading.

Lydia

Time for Change

On Wednesday March 7th, we had a health screening at work.  I was very excited and only a little nervous about what my "numbers" would be.  I mean I knew that my BMI and body fat were not going to be pretty.  I mean hello I'm not THAT blind.  So the morning came, we all did the screening, I went to have my coaching session after my results came back and I almost had a heart attack....well more like apparently I WAS a walking heart attack.  Bad, really, really bad.  I'm going to be 100% honest here for the integrity of....well being honest.  At 36, I have a cholesterol of 268, a BMI of 28 and body fat of 33.9%.  How stellar are those numbers!?  Yeah so talk about a wake up call.  I realized in an instant that all the things I had "talked about" doing need to actually really happen.  I immediately changed my diet and began working out a minimum of 4 days a week.  I needed to lose some serious weight....like 40 pounds of it.  And I didn't want to find it again. 

  
In an effort to keep my overly large bum in check and on track, I'm going to tell you where I am, how I'm doing and all the ins and outs between.  I'm going to talk about recipes I make, workouts I do.
My hope is that by sharing the sometimes not so pretty details, that I will be forced to be honest with myself and work hard.

Thank for reading.

Lydia

A song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu5uiFQKqTA

This song right now imbues all I feel

For the love of journaling. . .

I have written in a journal for a very long time.  I believe I started when I was in my early teens, as many of us do.  I have also had a vey linear view of journaling...thinking about nothing but writing my thoughts and feelings about life, love, etc.  And then. . . . . . . . . . . .one day I came across a blog (which I now cannot find) that showed me how very wrong I could be.

Sure you can use a journal as I mentioned above and if you are someone who does and it works for you then that is fantastic.  For me however, I am a pretty artsy/crafy kind of girl.  I love making things and the whole DIY business.  So this website showed me the way.  The women uses her journal for EVERYTHING.  To do lists, thoughts, quotes, you name it, she puts it in there.  And I thought "wow, I really, really love how her journal looks, heck maybe I'll give it a try.  I mean I don't like it I go back to the way I've always done it".  So try I did.  Man alive did I open a can of worms.  I LOVE it, further more, it apparently is catching on with many others as well because I cam across yet another website that was so stunningly awesome that I'm taking my journaling even further.  I love the tags, and she mentions using decorative tape, which OH my GoSh....so pretty. 

Now, mine looks nothing like the Hope's but I'm getting there and I think in time it will develop into something that makes me as giddy as a school girl.  =)

New Journal!!!

Different pockets found at Hobby Lobby.

I write everything on my journal pages now.  Things I've done, people I've had lunch with, movies/TV shows I've watched, things people tell me that are of interest.  Also my to do list and lately what I intend to do that day and not do that day.

Each page is a work in progress...for example the pages with the envelopes I will fill in with more color and drawings, perhaps clips from magazines too. 

I hope this inspires someone as the ladies I've learned about have inspired me. 

Happy Journaling.....and reading.  =)

Lydia