The NON smoking me

It amazes me just how much NON smokers...including me, can get done.  I suppose for newbie non smokers it might be a bit more (because we are trying to keep busy ergo not think about smoking). 
Usually Saturdays are hard for me, thus far, but yesterday was my Saturday I guess.  I actually wept that I was not smoking.  I wanted to smoke so bad.  I sat in bed crying, to a really important person about how sad I was that cigarettes were not in my life anymore, how I was tired of being strong, how I wanted one so bad.  Yesterday was, based on past experiences, the perfect day for smoking...but I didn't have one.  I couldn't remember, despite writing it down, why I had quit, or why I wanted this path. 
Today was Saturday, my usual hard day.  It was easier than yesterday and previous Saturdays but still hard.  I've found that weekends have actually become something I don't look forward to.  Relaxing, wine drinking, reading, crafts, extra hours = smoking. 
Today, in an effort to curtail the urge I went for a beautiful hour and a half hike at South Valley Park in Ken Caryl, Littleton.  I then spent a good two hours at the Arapahoe Public Library.  I came home took a nap, and made two embroidered/crocheted dish towels for Christmas.  This weekend I watched the entire third season of Fringe (may have to watch again LOL), two movies (Fast Five and Horrible Bosses), did some extensive meditating, ate an entire meal by myself in a restaurant (well Panera....does that count?), and enjoyed myself.
I look forward to the weekend in which I don't think about smoking.  I look forward to the weekend I look forward to.  I look forward to the life without cigarettes.  It's been a hard three weeks.  I look at my bestie, and quit smoking partner Sara and envy her strength, she seems so strong, so unfazed by the little things and she inspires me.  She's amazing when it comes to these things.  I hope I can be half as strong as she.
Tomorrow is Sunday, usually a good day for me.  I have learned however that as an ex-smoker there are surprises, both good and bad, and that I must be prepared for them. 
I am strong.  I am a NON smoker.  I can do this. 

2012 Sketchbook Project

Today I received in the mail my sketchbook for the

Art House Co-Op 2012 Sketchbook Project. 

I'm very excited to get started on this project.  My theme is Tears and

Fears...at the time I signed up these were two things that were very

dominate in my life.  Perhaps in many ways these still are and through this I

can reconcile some of those tears and fears.

I'm looking forward to exploring what these can turn out to be in my

sketchbook which allows for any type of medium. 

If you are interested in learning more about the 2012 Sketchbook Project by

the Art House Co-Op check out their website at

http://www.arthousecoop.com/projects/sketchbookproject2012

2011 Associate Banquet

Last night I celebrated 15 years with Centura.  Something I'm very proud of.  I had a wonderful time with great company and was surrounded by people who I love.  Plus we got to do a tour of the Sports Authority Field and that was very cool.

During the tour of the stadium we got to see the inside of the guest locker room

Never thought I would be standing on a professional football field, or that I would think it was so cool!  :)



At the end of the night it was really great to see my dear friend Toby Raleigh being recognized for 20 years of service!  :)

A week in review

It's been a challenging week.  Monday night at approximately 8:30 pm I smoked the last cigarette of my life.  Thanks to all the support I have received and my own willpower, I have been smoke free for almost 5 days!!!!  I honestly never thought it would happen.  I used to tell everyone that I would never quit smoking...I just loved it too much.  Now after having been 5 days without and roughly 96 cigarettes NOT smoked I can confidently say I AM A NON SMOKER.  It feels really quite amazing.  To be honest i feel pretty damn proud of myself.  I never thought I would be without cigarettes and to be honest I do miss them, sometimes more than others, such as right now but I can't believe I have been 5 days without and I plan to never smoke again!!!!  Yay me.  :*>

A new life

some of us are happy with where we are or what we have but some of us long for more.  on the horizon we find something great that can be ours yet we do not know how to find it or reach it.  is it within us or within another....perhaps it is both.  the music fills our souls but the fruition is mild in comparison.  are we dreaming of something beyond our grasp, not within our destiny or are we willing to go without until we find such a thing.  what is the answer...an aching fills us to an extent we have never know yet we continue on, with a hope of something far beyond ourselves.  we believe in something greater and full of hope and light.  it swells within us like the music of our souls.  We feel rejuvenated and alive.  What is this thing we feel that fills our hearts with music....it is love....love that is undefined, lifelong, and real.

Letting go

There comes a time in our lives in which we must let go...of people, of things that we hold dear and true but they are unhealthy for us.  They bring us sorrow and pain.  They perhaps do not mean to but they do and we know that the only way we can truly realize who we are or our potential is to move on from them...and yet we do not.
We hold a belief that they will change, that we can help them, but ultimately only they can change and if they do not want to there is nothing we can do.  So even knowing this we still stay.  Why?  What purpose does it serve?  Is there a lesson to be learned in this design?  Is the design for us to help THEM?  To give them strength and courage?  To see more?  Is there a design for us as well?  To perhaps be certain of what we want and need and to give us courage to ask for it?
I am not an expert in these matters for I struggle nearly every day with them.  I seek only to understand the momentum of the human soul and my purpose in it.  I am unfulfilled and unsatisfied that this is all there is and all that I deserve...and yet I do not know how to ask for what will fulfill or satisfy me, lead alone what I deserve. 

The first step...

It's been a while, and a lot has gone on since last I came here to share my thoughts.  Thoughts that I don't know if anyone reads or read, but it's my journal of sorts. 

I returned to school, which took up so much of my time, not leaving me with much time for anything else. I've struggled since last October with a very real demon.  I'm determined to knock this demon into the seventh circle.  I have a plan, which I hope will prove successful.  I have hope and I have faith in myself that it will.  Each day is a struggle.  I fight with this demon right now as we speak.  I won't tell you what my demon is just yet, that will come in time, but I look forward to the day I can say that I have put that demon away.

I've continued to strengthen some friendships with some amazing woman that leave me in awe of their beauty both inside and out, their strength, their determination, their devotion, and their courage.  These girls are the most extraordinary women I have come to know and I love them dearly.  I am so thankful they came into my life.

I've come, finally, I believe, at least in part, to love myself for who I am, especially the package in which I carry myself.  I'm not a size 2, but that matters not for there is more to me than just my jean size.  I've found a passion and love for myself that took me 35 years to find.

I stopped going to traditional college, knowing that this is not my passion.  Learning is my passion and as Will pointed out, that can easily be obtained in my local library.  I do believe however that my true passion lies in helping others find their place, their passion, their path.  In October I will start my training as a life coach with the WCI and aside from my son and my love of books I have never been more excited about something.

If you are reading, I hope you stay and see how things progress.  I have a feeling that in the months to come some big changes are coming.  Some that will be painful, some that will inspire, some that will challenge me for the good.  The new year will be telling for I have an idea of what will be and despite the hardships that it will bring, I welcome the change and the possibilities.