It's been a while, and a lot has gone on since last I came here to share my thoughts. Thoughts that I don't know if anyone reads or read, but it's my journal of sorts.
I returned to school, which took up so much of my time, not leaving me with much time for anything else. I've struggled since last October with a very real demon. I'm determined to knock this demon into the seventh circle. I have a plan, which I hope will prove successful. I have hope and I have faith in myself that it will. Each day is a struggle. I fight with this demon right now as we speak. I won't tell you what my demon is just yet, that will come in time, but I look forward to the day I can say that I have put that demon away.
I've continued to strengthen some friendships with some amazing woman that leave me in awe of their beauty both inside and out, their strength, their determination, their devotion, and their courage. These girls are the most extraordinary women I have come to know and I love them dearly. I am so thankful they came into my life.
I've come, finally, I believe, at least in part, to love myself for who I am, especially the package in which I carry myself. I'm not a size 2, but that matters not for there is more to me than just my jean size. I've found a passion and love for myself that took me 35 years to find.
I stopped going to traditional college, knowing that this is not my passion. Learning is my passion and as Will pointed out, that can easily be obtained in my local library. I do believe however that my true passion lies in helping others find their place, their passion, their path. In October I will start my training as a life coach with the WCI and aside from my son and my love of books I have never been more excited about something.
If you are reading, I hope you stay and see how things progress. I have a feeling that in the months to come some big changes are coming. Some that will be painful, some that will inspire, some that will challenge me for the good. The new year will be telling for I have an idea of what will be and despite the hardships that it will bring, I welcome the change and the possibilities.
My Happy Place
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Starting Over
Today was a good day. The first in many days. Let me explain. I have always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I knew what they were, shortness of breath, tightening of the chest, unreasonable fears. The first true panic attack came shortly after Columbine. One day I came out of work and couldn't start my car for fear there was a bomb on it and if I started it, it would blow up. Ridiculous I know but true. A horrible feeling griped me in a way I had never experienced before. I sought counseling and worked through this, discovering along the way that I suffered from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Not in the physical sense such as needing to wash my hands a certain number of times but mentally focusing on something, usually negative, causing myself to have anxiety. In the end I got better and continued on with my life.
In October a dear friend of mine suffered a sever heart attack that nearly killed her. T was a strong, healthy, non smoking, not overweight women who had a 100% blockage in her left ventricular and almost died. It hit me hard. If she could have a heart attack, surely I could and I began to obsess again. Sometime there after I was lying in bed one night with the lobster. My heart was racing, I could feel my pulse in my neck, heat spread from my chest up and I was certain something was wrong. I slowly begin to realize that I was having a panic attack but could not get myself to calm down. Lobster was asleep but must have sensed something and woke up. He calmed me down but it took nearly an hour before I was able to lay down again and try to sleep. It was a very rough night with many more to follow. As time went on I began to feel the my pulse in my neck all the time, I became winded easily and short of breath, and I was certain something was wrong. Again ridiculous I know but as I've come to learn the mind is a powerful thing.
About four weeks ago it reached the height of it's power. I was at work and felt a flutter in my chest, not a good flutter but something in my heart as in skipping beats and I got really scared, really fast. The following week I went to my doctor, he did blood work, an EEG and found nothing of concern. The cold hard fact was...it was in was in my head. I'm not proud to admit this, it's very humbling to say.
We talked about what might be going on. I've been going to my doctor for years and he knows my history. He knows my mom died almost six years ago, he knows that three years ago I suffered tremendously when I found out my second husband was having an affair and we were getting divorced, and he knows I've never dealt with any of it. We talked about my symptoms and he believed that I was suffering from sever panic disorder and that medication was needed. He also knows that I am not a fan, but at that point I was willing to do anything.
I began taking the medication and was told that it would take some time. Over the last two weeks it's been hard, most days I felt so focused on my heart and it's rapid beat that I couldn't do much of anything but sit. I was depressed and I knew it. I began doing research and reading anything I could. I remembered reading about meditation and the impact it could have. At night was the worse because all I had was my mind and it did nothing but focus on my heartbeat, so I started meditating and found that it helped. Of course it's hard to meditate when sitting at your desk and you have work to do but I learned to breath slowly through it.
Monday of this last week was the first day in a very long time that I went an entire day without having any episodes as I've started calling them. The rest of the week wasn't as great but better than it has been previously. Today was something wonderful. I realized halfway through my son's soccer game that I hadn't once thought about my heart, or panic, or anxiety. Further, later in the day I thought "I feel happy", something I haven't thought in a very long time. In the past few months even when I've been in a moment that should fill me with joy, such as a mini vacation with my favorite person, all I thought about was this other issue which now consumed my life and overshadowed everything that was important. I think today about that moment and how sad I am that I didn't fully enjoy the moment because of all of this. I plan to do this again and it will be when I'm healthy of mind so that I can enjoy the most important person in my life and the quiet time we can have together.
Yesterday I had a sort of an ephiphany and perhaps this is the reason for a good day. I thought to myself, "At the rate you are going Lydia you might as well be dead, because you certainly aren't living. You are so worried and consumed about something you have no control over." It hopefully started to turn things around for me. Each night I lie in bed, think about the things that I am thankful for, meditate, and wait for the next day and hope that it will be a good day.
I feel very blessed at this moment. There are points in my life that I feel need some attention, that I want to change, that I'm not happy with but there are some beautiful pieces to my life as well. I have the most amazing and beautiful son who lights my life and brings me a sense of peace I've never felt with another person. I have some amazing friends who show me their depth and their beauty, who have been there for me through the years and the rough times, who knows me better than almost anyone , friends who make me laugh and smile each day and I love them for it. I have a job that I enjoy and am so thankful for each and everyday. I have a sense of purpose and direction in my studies and am inspired by it.
So the point of this long story is that a few weeks ago I started a 29 day gift challenge which has fallen a bit by the waste side. I've been so self-absorbed in my own misery that I couldn't see past getting through a day, led alone giving to someone else. My hope is that I can start to turn things around mentally, with a little help, and start over. I experienced some amazing moments through the giving and want to continue it. I want to conscoiusly give to someone and feel the power of that exchange with another human.
I've been given an abundance and want to give back to the universe this abundance. It's been a rough go but tomorrow is a new day and with a new day brings something unfound as of yet. I look forward to giving again and starting over...
In October a dear friend of mine suffered a sever heart attack that nearly killed her. T was a strong, healthy, non smoking, not overweight women who had a 100% blockage in her left ventricular and almost died. It hit me hard. If she could have a heart attack, surely I could and I began to obsess again. Sometime there after I was lying in bed one night with the lobster. My heart was racing, I could feel my pulse in my neck, heat spread from my chest up and I was certain something was wrong. I slowly begin to realize that I was having a panic attack but could not get myself to calm down. Lobster was asleep but must have sensed something and woke up. He calmed me down but it took nearly an hour before I was able to lay down again and try to sleep. It was a very rough night with many more to follow. As time went on I began to feel the my pulse in my neck all the time, I became winded easily and short of breath, and I was certain something was wrong. Again ridiculous I know but as I've come to learn the mind is a powerful thing.
About four weeks ago it reached the height of it's power. I was at work and felt a flutter in my chest, not a good flutter but something in my heart as in skipping beats and I got really scared, really fast. The following week I went to my doctor, he did blood work, an EEG and found nothing of concern. The cold hard fact was...it was in was in my head. I'm not proud to admit this, it's very humbling to say.
We talked about what might be going on. I've been going to my doctor for years and he knows my history. He knows my mom died almost six years ago, he knows that three years ago I suffered tremendously when I found out my second husband was having an affair and we were getting divorced, and he knows I've never dealt with any of it. We talked about my symptoms and he believed that I was suffering from sever panic disorder and that medication was needed. He also knows that I am not a fan, but at that point I was willing to do anything.
I began taking the medication and was told that it would take some time. Over the last two weeks it's been hard, most days I felt so focused on my heart and it's rapid beat that I couldn't do much of anything but sit. I was depressed and I knew it. I began doing research and reading anything I could. I remembered reading about meditation and the impact it could have. At night was the worse because all I had was my mind and it did nothing but focus on my heartbeat, so I started meditating and found that it helped. Of course it's hard to meditate when sitting at your desk and you have work to do but I learned to breath slowly through it.
Monday of this last week was the first day in a very long time that I went an entire day without having any episodes as I've started calling them. The rest of the week wasn't as great but better than it has been previously. Today was something wonderful. I realized halfway through my son's soccer game that I hadn't once thought about my heart, or panic, or anxiety. Further, later in the day I thought "I feel happy", something I haven't thought in a very long time. In the past few months even when I've been in a moment that should fill me with joy, such as a mini vacation with my favorite person, all I thought about was this other issue which now consumed my life and overshadowed everything that was important. I think today about that moment and how sad I am that I didn't fully enjoy the moment because of all of this. I plan to do this again and it will be when I'm healthy of mind so that I can enjoy the most important person in my life and the quiet time we can have together.
Yesterday I had a sort of an ephiphany and perhaps this is the reason for a good day. I thought to myself, "At the rate you are going Lydia you might as well be dead, because you certainly aren't living. You are so worried and consumed about something you have no control over." It hopefully started to turn things around for me. Each night I lie in bed, think about the things that I am thankful for, meditate, and wait for the next day and hope that it will be a good day.
I feel very blessed at this moment. There are points in my life that I feel need some attention, that I want to change, that I'm not happy with but there are some beautiful pieces to my life as well. I have the most amazing and beautiful son who lights my life and brings me a sense of peace I've never felt with another person. I have some amazing friends who show me their depth and their beauty, who have been there for me through the years and the rough times, who knows me better than almost anyone , friends who make me laugh and smile each day and I love them for it. I have a job that I enjoy and am so thankful for each and everyday. I have a sense of purpose and direction in my studies and am inspired by it.
So the point of this long story is that a few weeks ago I started a 29 day gift challenge which has fallen a bit by the waste side. I've been so self-absorbed in my own misery that I couldn't see past getting through a day, led alone giving to someone else. My hope is that I can start to turn things around mentally, with a little help, and start over. I experienced some amazing moments through the giving and want to continue it. I want to conscoiusly give to someone and feel the power of that exchange with another human.
I've been given an abundance and want to give back to the universe this abundance. It's been a rough go but tomorrow is a new day and with a new day brings something unfound as of yet. I look forward to giving again and starting over...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Gift 6 - March 23, 2011
Again today didn't really feel out of the norm for me in regards to giving. Perhaps I need to put it out there more clearly to the universe my deep desire to give. Maybe I'm not being open enough to opportunities. I love doing things for my friends, but today's gift is something I would have mindfully done anyway, even if I wasn't doing this challenge.
To be honest I want to give outside my comfort zone. Money to a homeless person. Something I've not done before. Perhaps I can talk Lobster into going dowtown tomorrow night so that I can seek out this gift and truly give consciously.
I think for me part of this challenge is to not only be mindful of the giving that I do but to also do it in a way that is new for me, in a way that lets me stretch my legs...and my mind...and my heart. Giving of any kind is always wonderful and it does bring joy, but to do it in a way that perhaps you normally wouldn't is, in my mind, even better, for it affords us more opportunity to grow.
_______________________________________________________
This morning my friend M mentioned that she wanted to go out for lunch today. When she brought it up, I knew this would be my gift for the day. Buying her lunch is a small price to pay for the wonderful friendship she gives to me each day. We share some much of our lives with each other, and I tell that woman almost everything. She is an amazing mother, and a very hard worker. She inspires me just being around her. Not to mention her amazing sense of humor.
Today I give with love, gratitude, and joy!
To be honest I want to give outside my comfort zone. Money to a homeless person. Something I've not done before. Perhaps I can talk Lobster into going dowtown tomorrow night so that I can seek out this gift and truly give consciously.
I think for me part of this challenge is to not only be mindful of the giving that I do but to also do it in a way that is new for me, in a way that lets me stretch my legs...and my mind...and my heart. Giving of any kind is always wonderful and it does bring joy, but to do it in a way that perhaps you normally wouldn't is, in my mind, even better, for it affords us more opportunity to grow.
_______________________________________________________
This morning my friend M mentioned that she wanted to go out for lunch today. When she brought it up, I knew this would be my gift for the day. Buying her lunch is a small price to pay for the wonderful friendship she gives to me each day. We share some much of our lives with each other, and I tell that woman almost everything. She is an amazing mother, and a very hard worker. She inspires me just being around her. Not to mention her amazing sense of humor.
Today I give with love, gratitude, and joy!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Gift 4 - March 21, 2011
I've know Ms. L for a long time. If ever I've met someone who has had a crap hand dealt to them it would be her and yet she remains amazing! The woman has the best quick whitted humor of anyone I know. I wish she could see what a beautiful woman she is. The funny, amazing, keep going person I see. I love her to death. Friday I knew what today's gift would be. I left the house early so that I could stop and get her a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Because man does that woman deserve some flowers.
A bonus, all her co-workers continued to ask her who they were from. . . she didn't le on. Love it.
I hope that giving her those flowers put a smile on her face and warmed her heart. I hope it let her know just how great I think she is.
Today I give with love.
A bonus, all her co-workers continued to ask her who they were from. . . she didn't le on. Love it.
I hope that giving her those flowers put a smile on her face and warmed her heart. I hope it let her know just how great I think she is.
Today I give with love.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Day 1 - March 18, 2011
Today was my last day at my current job. Not a big deal, I'm staying with the same company, in the same department, but stepping down. About 6-8 months ago, I started feeling like I needed to make a change, be doing something that was less stressful, so that I could focus on school and of course my son. I thought about it a lot, for months actually. Finally a few weeks ago, I took the leap. I'm very excited about this new chapter in my life and honestly excited about having less stress.
As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I was thinking about my boss. She has been instrumental in my growth in my character and knowledge. She has been a mentor to me from the moment I came into her department. We've had our rough days, but I think she is amazing in many ways, and I wanted to thank her for all of it. So I thought "I'm going to write Mrs. J. a letter telling her how much I appreciate her and all she has done for me. This will be my gift for today."
I'm a big fan of writing letters to people. It's the easiest way for me to express myself. It felt so good to tell her all those things I wanted to say, to let her know just how great I think she is.
As I was sitting at my desk this morning, I was thinking about my boss. She has been instrumental in my growth in my character and knowledge. She has been a mentor to me from the moment I came into her department. We've had our rough days, but I think she is amazing in many ways, and I wanted to thank her for all of it. So I thought "I'm going to write Mrs. J. a letter telling her how much I appreciate her and all she has done for me. This will be my gift for today."
I'm a big fan of writing letters to people. It's the easiest way for me to express myself. It felt so good to tell her all those things I wanted to say, to let her know just how great I think she is.
29 Gifts...
About a week ago, I started reading a book called 29 Gifts, How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life. Cami Walker
“Give away 29 gifts in 29 days. Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but through our interactions with other people. By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life” ~ Mbali Creazzo
So the idea is that each day you MINDFULLY give a gift someone. The purpose here is intent. Here are some instructions.
- Begin each day with an affirmation statement such as:
- Today I give with love
- Today I give with gratitude
- Today I give with patience.
- Your gifts can be anything offered to anyone. Anything you mindfully (consciously) offer to another person counts.
- You can give the gifts quietly or make them know.
Watch out for gives that are coming from the following places within yourself because you will likely feel drained when giving from this space:
- The Bartering Give: If I give, I am good and I will be rewarded.
- The Obligated Give: I have to give because it’s expected of me.
- The Guilty Give: If I don’t give I will have bad karma
- The Begrudging Give: He’s got new shoes on, he can’t need money that badly.
- The Resentful Give: I suppose I better give because it’s Day 15, even though I just spend $300 on new brakes for my car.
I think you get the idea. You see someone has a need and you try to help fill it. You can also plan gifts if you wish, such as “Next Friday I’m going to take my son to see that movie he wants to, that will be my gift for today.” These gifts need not be extravagant, it can be a hug, a few words, lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. Just be mindful of the gift, give with the intention of giving, quickly or out loud.
If you’re interesting in learning more you can visit the website at http://www.29gifts.org/.
There are great gifting ideas, forums, a blog, and the story of 29 gifts. It’s a powerful idea, one that I intend to fully embrace. Each day I will blog about the day’s gift. I hope that you will look into it, join me in gifting, as well as read my stories, and share your own.
Today I give with love, gratitude, patience, abundance, and joy. I am open to receiving awareness of opportunities of giving and I am open to receiving gifts as well.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Listening
What does it mean to you when someone isn't listening to you?
By this I mean, you are telling them about something that is important to you, something you are excited about, something that has happened and when you are done telling them, you feel like they really were not engaged in the conversation, nor did they really care about this "thing" you were talking about.
Sometimes this can be hurtful, sometimes it makes us angry. Sometimes it's just down right rude. Especially when it is repeatedly happening.
So what should we do about it? Do you bring it to the other person's attention? I think it's only fair to do so, because in reality perhaps the other person doesn't know they are doing it. And if after you bring it to their attention, it continues. . . then what? Well, maybe it's time to take a look, further, deeper into why this might be happening. Perhaps it is because this is an indicator of the other persons view of you, a marker of importance you have to them. Also though, it might be an indicator of YOU. I'm notoriously bad about letting people walk all over me, quite honestly I let them damn near get away with murder. So when this happens, is this the other guy or is it maybe me not being assertive, demanding to be treated as I feel I should.
We all want to be listened to. Really heard. To share our hopes our dreams, our failures, our hurts and sorrows, our joy and excitement. If we are sharing and feeling like we aren't heard, perhaps it's time to step back from the situation, do some evaluating. . . of both the other person and ourselves.
By this I mean, you are telling them about something that is important to you, something you are excited about, something that has happened and when you are done telling them, you feel like they really were not engaged in the conversation, nor did they really care about this "thing" you were talking about.
Sometimes this can be hurtful, sometimes it makes us angry. Sometimes it's just down right rude. Especially when it is repeatedly happening.
So what should we do about it? Do you bring it to the other person's attention? I think it's only fair to do so, because in reality perhaps the other person doesn't know they are doing it. And if after you bring it to their attention, it continues. . . then what? Well, maybe it's time to take a look, further, deeper into why this might be happening. Perhaps it is because this is an indicator of the other persons view of you, a marker of importance you have to them. Also though, it might be an indicator of YOU. I'm notoriously bad about letting people walk all over me, quite honestly I let them damn near get away with murder. So when this happens, is this the other guy or is it maybe me not being assertive, demanding to be treated as I feel I should.
We all want to be listened to. Really heard. To share our hopes our dreams, our failures, our hurts and sorrows, our joy and excitement. If we are sharing and feeling like we aren't heard, perhaps it's time to step back from the situation, do some evaluating. . . of both the other person and ourselves.
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